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Understanding Adult And Child Episodes Of Flipping Out


In my last section on parenting kids, seriously, I explained the left and right brain. Now I will explain the upstairs and downstairs brain.

The downstairs brain controls: emotions, bodily sensations and actions i.e., anger, breathing, blinking, fear, fight or flight

The upstairs brain controls: thinking, planning, imagining, processing, self understanding, control over your body, morals

The brain works best when it is balanced – or ‘integrated’. To vertically integrate the two, we want to work from bottom to top. We want to be able to take the natural, nature instincts from the bottom, and evaluate and control them with the upstairs brain; To think about our emotions and physical feelings from the downstairs and make the right decisions with the upstairs.

With in mind, there are two type of tantrums: upstairs brain tantrums and down stairs brain tantrums. But remember, its not just kids who have tantrums – adults flip their lid too.

Learn more about how these two types of episodes vary inside your brain, and how best to handle them, on my page!

When we handle our own and our kid’s emotions, feelings and actions correctly, we help curb future meantal health struggles and increase emotional intelligence.

https://thejudgementalmom.com/kids-seriously/3/

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A New Way To See Change


Imagine a forest you must travel every day to get to your destination.

After days and weeks and months of taking the same path you always have,
there is a trail worn in and the path is easy to see and travel on. It also
happens to seem like the quickest way there because it’s now been the road most
traveled on.

Every time you take this way though, you have to go through a swamp.
The swamp is not easy and there’s bugs and creatures in it you don’t like but
you take it anyway because that’s just the path you take to get where you’re
going.

Then one day you’ve had enough. You decide to try another way, and instead
of taking the frequently tread, common path, you decide to make your way through
the tall grass where there is no trail. It takes longer at first, you have to
break down the grass and push sticks and logs and large plants out of your way.

Once you finally reach your destination, it’s taken twice as long as the other
path – but there was no swamp this time. No bugs and creatures and animals of
threat lurking. So you take the path the next time and the next time and the
next time.

Soon, the path begins to wear itself in, and it no longer takes twice as long as the other, but the same about of time. And as this new path wears into the ground and becomes the new “common path”, the old path with the swamp grows over. It’s no longer traveled on, and you can’t even see it anymore. 

That’s how change works. In your mind when changing your ways, habits and automatic thoughts; And in life when looking at things metaphorically. It’s hard at first, but perseverance and repetition will lead you to where you want to go.

 

A section I wrote from my site page, Parenting Kids, Seriously.

https://thejudgementalmom.com/kids-seriously/2/

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It’s A Sh*tting Rainbows Kind Of Day


Who has time for self-care. When you work full time and are a mom full time and a wife full time. When you come home from work and have an hour to spend with your son, and have supper, and let him have a bath (because he wants the bath) and get him ready for bed and for you to shower and then go to bed.

It’s a day that you remember that you are the glue that holds everything together. And that with out the small family that surrounds you, you have no one. And that you have no one else to help you but yourself.

Its a day where you’re fighting yourself to make it through work. Fighting the frustaration at work. Fighting the frustrations at home with your loved one. Fighting to keep it together for your child. Fighting to keep an income in and keep the bills paid.

Its a day where you rememeber all the hard times you’ve gone through with and without your family. And how far you have came.

Its a day that you realize nothing gets easier the older you get. That the more responsible you are, the more responsibilities you have. That farther you have to fall.

Its a day where you know you have to keep telling yourself that “this day is so fast, this day is so easy, I’m in such a good mood”. Even though its all lies youre just trying to make yourself believe to make it a little easier.

Its a day you rememeber that you’re not the only one fighting this fight, but knowing that doesn’t really make a difference, if anything it makes this world a darker place.

So you think of your child and the smile their face brings. And remember the light that they are cause you know deep down that somedays they are your only reason to keep going.

Yeah, I’m shitting rainbows today. I even put on my socks that say so.

For the Love of Parenting


Has anyone felt the struggle and tention in a relationship when you have your first child? It brings a lot of pressure to the table; begs for a lot of understanding from both sides.

Some relationships really struggle – like mine. My husband was left feeling like he couldn’t do much. He started feeling left out because the attention was all on our baby.

Eventually we started trying to be able to make more time for each other but as parents know that’s pretty hard to do. When you do get an hour to yourself we’re often left feeling exhausted and tired. You have to muster up all the remaining energy to give to your partner even knowing that doing so instead of caring for yourself will in turn make the next day harder. Because you know your baby’s going to be up throughout the night.

Tensions rise as do emotions. Reactions are exaggerated by lack of sleep and mental drain.

Often the mom ends up being the one to spend the majority of the time with the baby while the dad is away working throughout the day. So naturally the mom knows things and learns things that take more time for the dad to learn. Naturally the mom will speak up if something’s not being done quite right and then the dad is left feeling like he’s doing things wrong. Which adds to the tension. As the child grows slowly parents get their independence back.

Around the age of 2 the child is probably sleeping a little better, for longer stretches. The family can go out and do things that they couldn’t do when they just had a little baby.
You can stay up at night and have a couple drinks with friends with a monitor nearby to keep an ear on a child sleeping.

You start to ReDiscover who you are now as a parent.

In a lot of families this is when parents can start to reconnect with each other and rebuild their relationship; but in other’s it is when relationships can start to struggle more and the feelings of unresolved issues in the beginning of Parenthood are left festering while emerging Independence is dangled in front of you like a carrot.

Actions and desires can get misinterpreted. It’s hard when as parents you want to do everything that’s best for your child. Most know that a tense relationship between parents is not healthy for a child so the parents push themselves to find balance.

Sometimes though, the end goal makes us lose the feeling of being heard because you’re more focussed on trying to fix things than understand them.

The Bittersweetness of Mother’s Day


You know, last mothers day was bitter sweet.

Why?

Because I had had over a year to feel out the motherhood thing. I now know how much love and space your own child takes up in your body, heart, and mind.

Because I had had a miserable time growing up and both my parents were to blame. I went through everything from abuse, neglect, addiction, poverty, bullying, and depression. And to be honest, being a parent has left me with the mind boggling question of how one can do that to their children.

Not to mention once I was able to move on from my crappy beginnings and eventually, ACTUALLY want children of my own, I was faced with pretty slim odds of being able to have one.

2.5 years of trying to conceive, hormone therapy, fertility doctors and 3 miscarriages – we were through the roof when this little embryo decided to snuggle in and put up camp for 9 months.

So, now that I’ve been a mom for a little over a two years now – I never knew that one day (besides the day of my son’s birth) could be so flipping emotional and slightly rollercoaster-y for me.

Mother’s Day for me symbolizes anger, sadness, confusion, happiness, thankfulness and pure joy – especially when getting to see the smile on my boys face.

I’m sure sometimes people may think I/we are just putting on a show, being a little over the top, being fake, or trying to be perfect…

But we aren’t.

I’m just so inlove with being a mom. I have nothing that bothers me about the struggles Jackson has had to face besides that he has had to face them. And I say Jackson, not me, because it wasn’t me having a hard time – it was Jackson.

Yeah I can be a pretty judgy mom. That’s because I can not for the life of me understand how one could consider their child to be too much, annoying, or too much work. How one could roll their eyes at their child. How one could complain about a child’s sleep habits when they’re under the age of ONE.
How one can complain that their baby needs them too much. How anyone could take all this for granted.

Just to it all, HOW.

How can any parent be and feel less than I do now.

(This is excluding PPD and deabilitating medical conditions)

Anyway. I was filled with pure joy and elation watching jackson have a blast last year. It was the best way we could have ever celebrated Mother’s Day.

Forget about all the other stuff for a couple hours and just live in the moment of our little’s giggles and smiles.

Coconut Oil Hair Treatment


Let me tell you a secret I found to less greasy hair an itchy scalp – coconut oil. Yup, coconut oil. And let me tell you, it feels amazing.

I do it so often now I don’t really measure anything. I just stop adding when I feel I’ve covered and massaged my scalp enough.

The trick is warming the coconut oil first. I use maybe half a cup of solid coconut oil (room temp). I put it in a glass jar and let it sit in hot water – boiled water sometimes for fasted melting. You don’t want it so hot that it will burn you though, you just want it warm.

For less mess, apply while in the shower but to dry hair. You can pour it on your scalp first our in your palm then apply it – whatever is easier. Massage it in good so it coveres all your scalp, then work your way down to the ends of your hair. Put your hair up in a bun then do your usual shower routine, leaving your hair as dry as possible till the end.

When you’re ready to do your hair, first rinse thoroughly and continue to massage your scalp. Then do your typical shampoo wash and conditioner.

Do this a couple times and you will begin to notice a less itchy scalp, and that your hair doesn’t get such a greasy look in between shower days.

The One Thing About Women’s Health Nobody Talks About


This isn’t really my area of coverage if I’m being honest; but as a woman and a mom it affects me greatly and I wish it was something I knew much sooner in life.

So let’s talk about it – pelvic health. And more specifically, pelvic organ prolapse.

What is pelvic organ prolapse?

It is when the pelvic floor becomes so weakened during pregnancy, childbirth, or excessive straining, that it begins to be unable to hold up the above organs.

The three areas affected by a weakened pelvic floor are the bladder, uterus, and rectal wall.

You can have one or all three of these areas of prolapse due to a weakened pelvic floor. I didn’t know that, and I definitely didn’t know that this was something that could happen to someone before the age of say 40. I mean, I’m 25 and just found out that besides my endometriosis and PCOS, and other health conditions, the current majority of discomfort I’m feeling while at work is due to the fact but I have multiple pelvic organ prolapses – all three actually.

Just in case I didn’t have anxiety already.

Apparently no one talks about this, because I did loads of research before and after pregnancy and not once did this come up in any of it. Not to mention, nobody warned me of this. Now, I definitely agree unnecessarily frightening new moms is never a good idea. But I do believe this is something that should be mentioned to any woman regardless of pregnancy, so that they can take the necessary precautions growing up and going through life to try to prevent this or prolong it from happening.

Yes, the answer is kegel exercises.

What are the lovely side effects of having a pelvic organ prolapse?

Trouble holding your bladder. This includes laughing, sneezing, coughing, lifting, or exerting any kind of force. Not to mention frequently needing to pee without the symptoms of a UTI. These are the main symptoms of cystocele, which is the fancy term for bladder prolapse, and in layman’s terms your bladder dropping from where it’s it’s supposed be.

Other symptoms of pelvis organ prolapse are difficulty having bowel movements, feeling as if bowel movements are uncompleted, and uncontrolled bowel movements. These are some of the main symptoms of rectocele, the fancy term for the rectal wall bulging into vaginal canal due to a weakened pelvic floor. Honestly, usually in these cases you can also feel the rectal wall bulging into vagina when you an insert a finger in your vagina.

And finally, the other symptoms of pelvic organ prolapse are a pressure felt in the pelvis and/or vaginal canal, sharp sensations in your lower back, hips and cervix, weakened feeling in your pelvis and groin that may radiate down your thighs, and pain during sex – which can occur during any of the organ prolapses. These symptoms are a result of a uterine prolapse. This is when the uterus and cervix begin to drop from where they are suposed to be held within your pelvis. And yes, it can sound and feel quite freeky.

Fortunately none of these conditions are life threatening. However they are very uncomfortable and need to be treated either by surgery, pessary, or with assistance from a pelvic health physiotherapist.

This is my warning to first-time moms.

Literally nobody talks about this. In fact I even posted in about five mom/women groups about this and not one single person had the nerve to talk about it with me.

Embarrassing to share it with everyone? Maybe so.

So quietly take my advice. Doesn’t happen to everyone – only 50% of people. So, I’d try to prevent it if I were you. It’s not life-threatening, just incredibly uncomfortable and life-limiting in certain ways.

For the love of the vagina, stay tight ladies.

Release Yourself


There are two types of guilt. Functional guilt and dysfunctional guilt

Functional guilt serve the purpose, it makes you feel bad – guilty – when you have done something wrong. It urges you to do the right thing. For example if you lashed out at your coworker or spouse because you were in a bad mood; Or say as a child, you stole something from someone. In this case, guilt is functional and helps you think about what you did wrong and how to make it right and what to try not to do in the future.

Dysfunctional guilt does not serve a purpose. Like when you feel guilty for something happening that was out of your control or beyond your circumstance. This type of guilt just makes you feel bad without a solution. People dwell on the feeling and allow it to bring them down despite the situation not being a result of the “guilty person’s” direct intent or action. For example, kids often feel bad or guilty when something happens to their parents – like if they lose their job or have no money to pay the bills. As adults we sometimes feel guilty when we have friends or family in bad situations and cannot help them. We feel guilty because we think we SHOULD be helping them, or fixing their situation. The reality of it though, is that you are not the cause of their situation, you don’t have intentions to make them endure a hard time, and this type of guilt does not serve a helping purpose.

You can let go of dysfunctional guilt and accept the situation as is while still showing empathy and compassion.

Emotional Dysregulation And Invalidating Environments


Emotional vulnerability is emotional sensitivity, emotional reactivity, and a slow return to emotional baseline.
(Linehan 1993a)

An invalidating environment is when people/parents tell you you’re wrong for experiencing your emotions. They may even punish you or ignore you when you get emotional. In some cases, people may acknowledge your emotions, but in a case where they are the ones causing them, they will not stop and instead keep doing what they’re doing to hurt you.

Another example of an invalidating environment, is when you are punished for being defensive or reacting in a defensive or emotional way during a conversation or argument. For example, if someone does or says something and you tell them that’s not fair to you or that what they have done has hurt you and their response is ‘waah, it’s all about you isn’t’, then in turn you get defensive and upset because they didn’t care how you felt, and finally their response is ‘i’m not your emotional punching bag’.

This will make anyone go crazy.

Now put someone like a child a who naturally is emotionally dysregulated and its adults jobs to guide them into regulation.

Invalidating children and any adult plants a seed of mental distress and disorders; that over time, without help and WITH persistent unhelpful invalidating environments, blossom into a plethora of mental and emotional struggles.

The Signs Your Child Is Feeling Out Of Touch With You


There are 4 main signs your child can be expressing when they are feeling out of touch, and 4 main signs that you may be doing as a prarent that can be contributing to the way your child feels – it can be any one of these signs for child and parent; it doesn’t need to be all the signs.

• They’re more irritable
• They’re more aggressive/rough
• They’re listening less than usual
• They’re more clingy or doing things to get your attention
• You’ve noticed you’ve had to tell them ‘not right now’ more frequently
• You’ve been more focused on your own checklist lately i.e., cleaning, organizing, phone calls
• You’ve been on your phone multiple times when they are trying to get your attention
• You have had less one on one time with your child lately

The signs expressed by kids of any age when they’re feeling out of touch also copy the signs of many other things that can being on; such as

• Growth spurts
• Sleeping regressions
• Lack of sleep
• Hungry
• Teething
• Illness/injury

It is important when kids are expressing any behaviour out of norm that you reflect on what’s been going on in their life AS WELL AS yours.

If kids are feeling as if their emotional and attachment needs are not being met, less fullfilled than usual, or that their weekly schedule is going off track – most do not understand how to verbalize this, or feel comfortable doing so.

So what can we as parents do? Even though we may feel like we aren’t doing anything different, your child feels differently. It is important not to decline their feelings or their reality, and to make them feel heard.

• Help them name their emotions they are feeling – so that both your child and you understand
• Try to make room in your day for more one on one time
• Challenge yourself to an hour without your phone – put it down and out of sight. Interact and play with your child, be more hands on, and share some cuddles
• Get your child more involved with YOUR world. Have them help you in the kitchen i.e., measuring, mixing, getting ingredients, setting the table. Have them help you clean and organize, or help outside with gardening or yard clean up. The goal isn’t to get them doing CHORES, but for you to do these things TOGETHER. If you have an older child whom isn’t interested in a chore-related activity – offer to do a trade: you do an activity of ‘your world’ together, and then you do an activity of ‘their world’ together

When You Get Shunned For Being A Child And Family Relations Advocate


When you’re hated for being an advocate for children.

For standing up for mental health. For standing up against poor parenting. For trying to educate parents and grown children the repercussions of certain parenting choices, past and present.

I can’t help you if you think I make you feel like a shitty parent;
But I can help you if you think you want to be a better parent, or if you think I make you feel like you can always strive to be better.

Wanting to strive to be better doesn’t make you a bad parent. Thinking there’s areas you could improve on does not make you a failure. Admitting you have made mistakes does not make you weak.

What concerns me is when parents think their actions or behaviour doesn’t matter. When parents live off the phrase “they’ll be fine” to excuse situations they could have handled better.

I will never stop striving to advocate for children and better family relationships. Everyone on this planet was once a child, and everyone who is parenting was once parented. It is a circle. In understanding children, you understand yourself as a child. In understanding parenting, you understand your child.

Whoever you are today, whatever your strengths, whatever your weaknesses, has been shaped by your childhood. Whatever events and situations you experienced, whatever hardships you endured, your perception and interpretation of them all – during and after – came from how you were shaped as a child. However you were shaped as child came from how your parents/caregivers interacted with you.

If you find yourself or someone you know taking offense to these things, to advocating and educating, maybe that’s a sign of unresolved issues needing to be handled instead of suppressed.

Knowledge is power folks.

It’s Not Hard To Better Yourself; It’s Hard To Watch Others Not


One of the hardest parts I found of becoming a mother, was bettering myself. Not the act of bettering myself, but watching others who are parents, not.

Becoming a parent, it was easy for me to reflect on my childhood and to know that some things when I grew up were very wrong, and that I wanted to do a lot better for my child. I know many parents feel and think they are doing their best, but I also feel that there is an immense amount of support for struggling parents freaking out during hard times and not enough support for the children also going through the hard times.

As a society, we continue to see more and more emerging education in cases of mental health struggles. Three-quarters of the population struggle with their mental health at one time or another. I truly believe it has to do with the way previous generations raised their children, and the emotional neglect begins to surface when those children have grown and became self-sufficient adults.

I am so thankful that the world is growing in terms of mental health education and help, otherwise I would be one of the many people struggling to get by everyday. But I see so many other parents that don’t reflect on their struggles as a child, and learn from them to better parent their own children, and honestly, that leaves me fairly judgemental. There’s so much ignorance.

The problem is that if we don’t face our childhood, we risk repeating the same mistakes generations before us made when parenting – the number one mistake being emotional neglect.

You see Facebook posts, Instagram posts, memes and jokes about “Mommy needs a glass of wine”, “my kid won’t leave me alone”, complaining about how difficult their children are being, or how annoying their kids can be. In parenting groups, parents post about stressful and nerve breaking moments with their children. How the mom or dad snapped, how they slipped up and hit their child out of frustration, and all the feedback is always in support of the parent. Always reminding them that they are human and make mistakes and that it’s okay that kids are resilient. There is never any guidance how to move forward in a positive way and explain what happened to the child, that it wasn’t okay for mom or dad to act that way, that they are sorry. I do agree that we need to recognize parents emotions and validate them, because I do agree that parenting can be really frustrating at times and definitely push you to the edge. That is not an excuse, however, for poor behavior nor should it condone it in hard times.

The fact that your child just acted like a complete and utter asshole to you is not a get-out-of-jail card to be a complete and utter asshole back.

They are a child, their brain is still developing, and regardless of how mature they may seem, they still need guidance and education about their bodies, feelings and emotions. Just because the way they feel about a situation doesn’t chock up to the way in adult would feel about it does not mean their feelings should be invalidated or belittled. Their world is much different than ours – as is their perception of it and parents need to stop expecting a child to perceive the world through an adults perception.

Another thing I see frequently, are children’s emotions being completely ignored; their bids for attention being completely ignored. Parents sometimes act like children are a burden to them. As if acting like that has no effect on the child whatsoever, or like it could make them stronger in some way, or more independent.

As frustrating as it is for me to see this, and not bark my opinion at them, what I actually see is a broken adult in denial of their own childhood. What also continues to frustrate me, is no matter how many resources are out there, no matter how many mutual friends post information for these parents to learn from, no matter how many times an article is shared that shows up on one of these parents news feeds – they won’t see it, read it, or take it seriously unless they know and are ready to change. So in reality, more than likely, most of the educational information, articles, videos, Etc., that I am dying for certain parents or family members or friends to see and learn from, won’t.

When You Want To Keep Nursing So Badly


I had wrote this Feb 28th, 2019

This is what it looks like to so badly want to keep nursing my baby
Its almost my only option right now anyhow.

3 different milk production supplements plus a prescription to help increase supply.

That container of formula? Thats amino acid based formula, which only comes in half the size of normal formula – 400g – at double the price – $55 Canadian.

My son is so sensitive to milk protein, he can’t even have regular hypoallergenic formula because it contains hydrolyzed milk protein. Soy formula began to bother him as well which we were warned about by fellow moms.

Sad it took 10 MONTHS of his life for ME to figure his struggles out because his PEDIATRICIAN is useless and kept shrugging everything off or giving prescriptions for side effects.

DID YOU KNOW AMINO ACID FORMULA IS COVERED BY OHIP DUE TO THE COST OF IT? Nope, it wasnt his doctor that told me that or offered a prescription for it.

Did you know I wouldn’t even be having to supplement him with formula after nursing had his ‘pediatrician’ chose to recognize his oral ties? She knew they were there, just didn’t believe in fixing them so she never said anything!

Guess what? That pediatrician chose the wrong mom to snuff off. Because this mom happens to be the kind of mom that can and will make a formal complaint to the board of physicians and surgeons of Ontario; and I did.

Not just for my son, but for every other struggling parent and child that gets stuck seeing that doctor

My son was 10 months old when I had originally wrote this; he is almost 2 now. Thankfully for his sake he seems to be finally starting to grow out of this intolerance/sensitivity/allergy. So many things I wish I knew sooner.

May the next generation of Moms not have to deal with the ignorance of doctors and CMPA or any other infant digestive struggles.

If you are interested in learning more about CMPA and easy Dairy-Free recipes, head over here.

10 months old
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